


The Vargas's Letter

by Philosophizes



Series: Hetalia Letters: A Fanwork Experiment [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Experimental, Fabricated Documents, Gen, Images, Transcript Included
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-21 15:23:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philosophizes/pseuds/Philosophizes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter from the North and South portions of the Italian Republic to their future bosses, complete with keyboard stealing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Vargas's Letter

 

  


 

 

* * *

_Hetalia property of Hidekaz Himaruya; and this art letter has absolutely nothing to do with the actual government of the Italian Republic._

_Special thanks to[coffeesuperhero](../users/coffeesuperhero/pseuds/coffeesuperhero) and [sabinelagrande](../users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande) here on AO3 for explaining to me how they did [something ](400257)similar._

* * *

_  
_** Transcript **

**  
** _A letter typed alternately by Italy Veneziano and Italy Romano, with written annotations marked by names in parenthesis_

_  
_[A letterhead displays the Italian coat-of-arms, with 'Repubblica italiana' across the top, the mailing address of the Italian President of the Council, and Italy's unofficial motto, _'L'Italia è una repubblica democratica fondata sul lavoro'_ , at the bottom.]

[The letter begins with Veneziano typing]

 

_Salve_!

If you’re reading this I guess you’re our new boss, and if you’re not our new boss I’m not really sure what you’re doing reading this but it’s nice to meet you anyway!

I’m the Republic of Italy! Half of it anyway, there’s also my brother who has everything south of Rome but I’m the one writing this because if he wrote it there would be a bunch of swear words in it and you don’t need that your first day in office. You’ll get enough of it during the rest of your term. To make things easier usually I’m just called Veneziano since I was Venice before the Risorgimento (but you can call me Feli!) and my brother is called Romano even though he was Naples because Garibaldi thought it would be a good PR move to have a Nation named after Rome. We have human type names too, I’m Feliciano Vargas and Romano is Lovino Vargas, I know that’s not a typical Italian name but it was Lavinius in Latin when _Avus Roma_ was still alive it kinda got corrupted over the years and the Vargas is from when Spain had _Fratello_ and when one country conquers another the conquering Nation can do pretty much whatever they like and sometimes it’s horrible but Antonio (that’s Spain’s name!) just changed _Fratello_ ’s surname and then when the Risorgimento happened Garibaldi called me that to even though it’s not my original one and now Lovino is yelling at me to get back to the point. Sorry _Fratello_!

Anyway, it’s kind of tradition and kind of manners for Nations to write these letters to their bosses to read when they get the job so they know a little of what to expect and what to do and what not to do and things like that so nobody gets hurt! Because that happens sometimes when Nations and their bosses have bad communication and also sometimes when they have good communication because everyone makes mistakes and sometimes you just get stuck with bad bosses.

So! I’m going to make a list about myself now!

_Name_ : Feliciano Vargas, Republic of Italy (Veneziano)  
                _Age_ : I don’t really know, but _reaaaally_ old. Like centuries old!  
 _Likes_ : Singing, painting, eating, sleeping, swimming, doing fun things, hugs, kissing Ludwig (that’s Germany!)  
                _Dislikes_ : **_WAR_** , arguing, getting sick, doing too much work at once, missing siestas, missing meals, lacking coffee, not enjoying myself

And now _Fratello_!

_Name_ : Lovino Vargas, Republic of Italy (Romano)  
 _Age_ : Older than me. That’s _reaaaaaaallllly_ old! But not as old as China!  
 _Likes_ : Tomatoes, Spain even though he doesn’t like saying it, eating, sleeping, not doing chores, arguing, and maybe a bunch of other stuff, it’s kind of hard to tell because he’s always acting angry about something and insulting things.  
             _Dislikes_ : Germany, the whole world, and everything in it. Isn’t that _sad?_

Wait, no, _Fratellkjdsgpoojisjg harep_ oithoashgklakgjldgjoiwpuoajgdkfl;aoewdk

 

[Romano gains control the keyboard and begins typing]

 

Fuck you, Feli, _I’m_ writing this now!

Ignore every damn thing he just said. You’re getting your list of _‘Things to Never Fucking Do!!!’_ now, and you better follow it!

  1. DO NOT TOUCH THE HAIR
  2. Do not compliment the potato-bastard _(Germany)_. He is a disgusting pervert who’s stolen my brother’s heart and is planning to do nefarious things with it _stop crying Feli I know I’m right and you’re just too dense to see it!_
  3. Do not say I like Spain. I hate Spain. I hate everything Spanish. Except Spanish tomatoes.
  4. Do not be tricked by the other Nations. They’re all bastards; expect for Vatican City. Sometimes he _is_ a bastard but he’s a _HOLY_ one; so you can’t complain about it!
  5. DO NOT INSULT THE CHURCH. I bet you’re Catholic anyway, but you never know. _You could secretly be a pagan heathen!_
  6. Do not make us miss our siestas!
  7. Do not call us cute. We are fucking _not!_
  8. Do not call my brother a girl. _HE’S A_ **_MAN_** _,_ FOR FUCK’S SAKE! JUST BECAUSE HE’S WEIRDLY EFFEMINATE DOESN’T MAKE HIM ANY LESS ONE!
  9. Do not try to make us fight. We won’t.
  10. Do not mention the Holy Roman Empire. If you do I will castrate you.
  11. Do not argue with me when I say Rome was a huge fucking bastard. He was; I knew him.
  12. Do _not_ make any deals with La Cosa Nostra, the Camorra, the ‘Ndrangheta, Sacro Corona Unita, La Stidda, the Mala del Brenta, or any crime organization anywhere. _We will find out it and it will not be a fucking daisy-chain-making party when we do!!!_
  13. Do not ask what happened to the other Italian city-states. We’re not telling you and you don’t want to know.
  14. Do not get _anywhere near_ the French bastard! (Feliciano: Francis knows better than that even if HE WON'T RETURN OUR ARTWORK) (Lovino: Like I said, Feli- he's a bastard)
  15. Do not talk to Russia or Belarus. Especially not Belarus and especially not when they’re in the same room. She’s a creepy knife-wielding ~~b~~ (Feliciano: _L_ O _VINO!_ )
  16. Do not refuse the food we cook you. You will eat all of it because we are the fucking _masters_ of Italian cooking and you will _weep_ with joy when you taste our dishes!
  17. Do not call us weak! We’re your own country, you damn fucking moron! How _dare_ you insult us like that!
  18. Do _not_ say we don’t know better. WE SURVIVED A LOT OF SHIT AND WE FUCKING DO. (Feliciano: He's right; we have and we do)
  19. DO NOT BE ANOTHER FUCKING BERLUSCONI!
  20. (Lovino: DO NOT INTERFERE IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS)



 

[Veneziano steals the keyboard]

 

Hi, it’s Feliciano again! Lovino ran out of ideas for his list and I kind of hit him so I could take the keyboard back. Don’t worry, he’s swearing at me so he’s okay!

                Anyway since he’s distracted right now I’m going to clear some things up, okay? Lovino really _does_ like Spain (Antonio from now on, okay?), he just doesn’t like admitting he likes things because he’s stubborn like that for some reason and the more you ask him the more he’ll deny it, so I’m just going to tell you right now that they’re dating. Except it’s not really dating like you’d think it is, Lovino just goes over to Antonio’s house whenever he feels like it and Antonio gives him whatever he wants and sometimes he comes to Rome or Naples and takes him out for dinner and things! It’s very romantic.

                And I have a boyfriend too! He’s Germany and his name is Ludwig and _Fratello_ really doesn’t like him for some reason and I’m not quite sure why but I think it might be World War II. Anyway, we don’t talk about that anymore (Nations in general, sometimes I talk about it with Ludwig when he’s feeling all sad and guilty and then I have to give him lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles but don’t tell him I said that he doesn’t like people knowing) and he’s really a very nice, sweet, kind person and you don’t have to be scared of him even though he kind of looks like you should be scared of him, okay? He’s big and muscular and handsome and _very_ sexy, especially with his hair down. I know because I’ve seen it down when I wake up in his bed in the morning!

                Oh, Lovino wants me to tell you that we _are_ Catholic, just like you probably are, but after living so long you question a lot of stuff, you know? Anyway if you’re uncomfortable with that sort of thing it doesn’t really happen at work, or at least _our_ work, because I kiss Ludwig and things a bunch at _his_ work and he always blushes, it’s so adorable!

                Also Lovino is being so mean because he assumes you’re a man, he’s not trying to be sexist we just know it’s _way_ more likely right now for us to have a man as our boss and Lovino doesn’t like men for some reason. He’ll be nicer to you in person if you’re a lady!

                Despite Lovino being really angry and mean all the time, we do have friends! There’s Greece and Poland and Austria and Hungary and Japan, though Austria and Hungary and Japan are more mine, and a bunch of other people but it would take too long to list them all.

                So I think I’ve covered everything!

 

[Romano regains the keyboard]

 

No you fucking haven’t I’ve thought of more things and what the fucking hell are you doing talking about my personal life, I didn’t give you permission to do that AND IT’S ALL DIRTY FILTHY **_LIES!_**

(Feliciano: SO GET RID OF IT THEN IF IT'S NOT TRUE LOVINO)  
(Lovino: I DON’T HAVE TO FUCKING LISTEN TO YOU!!)  
(Feliciano: It’s ~~true because he didn’t scratch it out!~~ )  
(Lovino: all facetious **_LIES!!!_** )

 

Stuff You Need to Know _Before_ You Do Some Stupid-ass Thing About It:

  1. We sleep naked. Feli forgets to put his clothes on a lot, I hope you like seeing dick but if I catch you ogling him I’m going to claw your eyes out. Slowly. _With my bare hands._
  2. Feli wears dresses sometimes. I have no fucking clue why but he likes it for some damn reason (Feliciano: so does Ludwig) (Lovino: WE DIDN’T NEED TO FUCKING KNOW THAT Feliciano I TOLD YOU he was a kinky) (Feliciano: sexy sexy man! ;) ♥)
  3. Touching the hair gets you killed. (Feliciano: Not necessarily by us) (Lovino: So does asking why)
  4. We know you aren’t going to last long, no one ever does, so don’t expect us to go easy on you! No one else is!
  5. We will come to work whenever we damn well feel like it, stay however fucking long we want, and leave when we’ve had enough of dealing with your and everybody else’s shit. (Feliciano: Don’t worry, we’re actually here a _lot_ more than everyone thinks; we have to take care of our country, you know!)
  6. Whenever another Nation says ‘Italy’, they mean Feli. Fuck them, I’m Italy too, and I won’t stand for that from you! Call us ‘Veneziano’ and ‘Romano’ or ‘Feliciano’ and ‘Lovino’ or ‘Feli’ and ‘Lovino’ or whatever combination you want- JUST DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE EVER CALL ME ‘LOVI’! (Feliciano: Because only Antonio gets to use that since he’s got a special place in _Fratello_ ’s heart that no one else could ever fill.)
  7. We’re the personifications of our nations. We’re going to tell you when our citizens hate your fucking guts for doing something stupid. We _feel_ it when you do that stuff, and getting hurt by our bosses makes Nations _pissed as hell._ You’re supposed to be _taking care of us,_ you assholes! We’re supposed to be able to _trust_ you, not have to worry about you turning us into totalitarian states and forcing us to round up our own children



 

[Veneziano takes the keyboard again as Romano dissolves into rage]

 

Fascists make us mad. You don’t want to see us mad.

                I think we’re actually really done this time, though, so thank you for reading and we should be seeing you soon! Good job on getting elected and I hope you enjoy your term though not a lot of people seem to!

                                                _Ciao_!  
                                                  Feliciano Vargas, Republic of Italy (Veneziano)

 

[Romano demands and gets the keyboard so he can type his name]

  
                                                  Lovino Vargas, Republic of Italy (Romano)

 

P.S. You make my _Fratellino_ cry or hurt him in any way and I kick your ass off the roof of Palazzo Montecitorio and then sink your remains in the Tiber for the fish.  
(Feliciano: That’s really sweet, _Fratello_ ; but kind of also really violent. It’s just like you!)  
(Lovino: Shut up, Feliciano.)

 

 

 

 


End file.
